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Follow up on the state of being - Looking for a moment of perfect beauty
November 19th, 2012
09:34 pm

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Follow up on the state of being
Thank you all for your support and kind words. I have talked to Tom about the possibility that he is depressed, and he denies that he is having a problem with depression. I'm sure that he's not depressed about not finding work, because that would mean that he has actually tried to find work. He freely admits that he has not attempted to find work.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

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From:persis
Date:November 20th, 2012 05:09 am (UTC)
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*hugs* Sorry, I've been out of it myself, as I've been too busy to keep up on LJ, DW, FB, anything the past few days, and only just saw this. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.Know you are in my thoughts.
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From:motodraconis
Date:November 20th, 2012 12:17 pm (UTC)
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Good luck! Sounds like a good start.
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From:aishabintjamil
Date:November 20th, 2012 01:40 pm (UTC)
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I think you'll have a huge uphill battle trying to get him to see any kind of specialist. Given his family history, he's probably terrified of the idea of seeing/needing one for any kind of mental health issue. That said, this behavior sounds like something is eating at him, and he's running away from it.

Apologies if you'd tried these things before, but I'm throwing out some ideas.

If you were seeing this kind of behavior in one of the kids, would you approach it differently? It sounds like he's acting more like a sulky adolescent than a mature man. If the answer is yes, maybe there are new angles to try there.

Has he said *why* he hasn't tried to find work? What does he want to do with his life instead? (Hopefully there's actually an answer there, instead of just playing WOW.) He's always been very analytical. He certainly was when he first started talking to us about you being poly. Maybe you can get him to examine the situation as an engineering problem and tell you what's going on that way? Presenting it that way might help too. I know it's not satisfying, but he's not very good at getting emotional situations.
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From:cindywho
Date:November 24th, 2012 03:44 pm (UTC)
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***Hugs*** I'm sorry things are tough. I'm not one for advice, but can send wishes for healing and good change
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From:rivermyst
Date:November 29th, 2012 08:20 am (UTC)
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I haven't been on LJ in ages and didn't realize you were going through this :(
I don't believe for a moment there isn't some kind of mental issue going on, if not depression, then he has "checked out" of life in significant ways.
As you know, I lived with a depressed spouse for many years and its hell. (well his problem was even more than depression, but that was a large chunk)

Even with that experience, I have little useful to offer in advice, perhaps because in my situation I couldn't find any solution that had any lasting effect, and when Dylan came along I did the only thing I could do and fled the situation so I could care for my new child.
Its painful to see someone you care about need help that you can't offer.
Its frustrating to be partnered with someone who has become so self absorbed that his family takes a back seat to his issue, and there seems to be nothing you can say or do to make it better.
It's demoralizing to be the strong one, and to have to always be there for their problems and shortcomings, but to be alone when you are the one that needs the help and support--especially when your spouses behavior has isolated you from family and friends.

Now, I won't speculate about how likely he is to wake up and smell the coffee, I pray he does before he loses the best wife he could have.
And I pray for you to have the strength you need to take care of you and the girls, with or without him.
And you always always have a friend in me. You're not alone.
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From:the_dark_snack
Date:June 11th, 2013 02:24 pm (UTC)
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Happy Birthday!
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From:the_dark_snack
Date:June 11th, 2014 11:26 pm (UTC)
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Happy Birthday!
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From:the_dark_snack
Date:June 11th, 2015 11:51 am (UTC)
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Happy Birthday!
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From:the_dark_snack
Date:June 11th, 2016 11:42 am (UTC)
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Happy Birthday!
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